


Perspective and Truth

by aislingdoheanta



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Body Image, Bodyswap, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Steve Rogers, Slow Build, Steve Rogers Feels, Trope Bingo Round 6
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-24
Updated: 2016-02-24
Packaged: 2018-05-22 22:50:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6096501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aislingdoheanta/pseuds/aislingdoheanta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky and Steve end up swapping bodies and learning a lot more about each other in the process.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Perspective and Truth

**Author's Note:**

> Written for my "freespace" on my [trope bingo card.](http://saras-almanac.tumblr.com/trope-bingo) I chose the trope bodyswap to try and explore the differences between the two of them. I wrote this over the weekend. 
> 
> **Warning:** There is one scene that has a surgery taking place. It isn't graphic and mostly skimmed over, but it is there.

Bucky Barnes startled himself awake because something was _wrong_. He could feel it. That was actually the problem:  he could _feel_ his left arm. Not in the extremely-heavy-object-attached-to-him sort of way, but in the “he can feel Steve’s warm body pressed into it sort of way.”

It should be a good thing, but he hadn’t been able to feel something like that since before HYDRA attached his arm. But it was going to be fine. He wasn’t going to panic.

He kept his breathing normal so he could gain his bearings and learn what he could about the situation. Steve was sleeping next to him and slightly over him. Steve’s left arm was resting over Bucky’s stomach while his right arm was wedged between them. Bucky spared it a passing thought because that couldn’t possibly be comfortable.

Bucky strained his ears, but couldn’t hear anything but the normal sounds of their suite, Steve’s breathing, and his own. JARVIS had been shut down on this floor, only to be activated at one of their voice commands because it always startled Steve—though Bucky wondered if that had more to do with Steve acting that way because he knew that it freaked Bucky out occasionally or if he really did get disorientated with it when they stayed at the Tower.

 _That’s right._ Bucky felt his chest loosen up slightly because they had stayed at the Tower last night. It had been a long, grueling few days on assignment and by the time they had all gotten back, it was basically a struggle just to get out of the chopper. Steve basically had to support Bucky’s weight because he had been exhausted and completely drained.

Getting hit by that psychic blast shit hadn’t helped at all either.

Bucky let out a breath and opened his eyes. It wasn’t Steve’s face he saw; it was his own.

“Steve!” Bucky called out because what the fuck was happening? “Stevie!”

“Shh,” Steve—Other Bucky said sitting up instantly. “It’s all right. I’m right here.”

Other Bucky’s eyes opened and looked as shocked as Bucky felt.

“This is new.”

“Steve?” Bucky asked quietly.

“Yeah. It’s me, Buck,” Steve said. It was weird hearing his own voice talk like Steve. “Any idea how this happened?”

“What the fuck happened?” Bucky asked. “How the fuck _could_ this happen?”

“The sorcerer from yesterday?” Steve said rubbing at his—Bucky’s shoulder.

Bucky watched as Steve’s hand dug into the material by Bucky’s shoulder—Steve’s shoulder. This was fucking confusing. Just when he had finally started getting things all figured out.

“What do we do?” Bucky asked softly.

Steve dropped his hand and reached for Bucky’s. It was weird. It felt like interacting with a mirror.

“We’ll figure it out. Chances are it’s only temporary,” Steve said. “We can talk to the team, see if they have any thoughts.”

Bucky nodded and squeezed Steve’s hand. “Do we…Do we have to tell them?”

Steve frowned. “It’d probably be better. They might know something to help.”

Bucky nodded.

“You don’t want to tell them?”

Bucky shrugged. “I don’t know. I just…I’m finally feeling like I’m getting things slightly under control and they’ve stopped looking at me like I’m a walking explosive. I don’t want this to set them off again.”

“All right. So we won’t tell them until we have to,” Steve said. “But I think we should mention it to Thor because he’d be the one who might have answers. Are you okay with that?”

Bucky thought about it. Thor wouldn’t intrude and he actually felt that it was Thor he trusted the most, apart from Steve. They had developed a bond and he always listened to what Bucky wanted. Bucky had said that he hadn’t wanted to be treated like he was made of glass anymore and Thor was the only one who immediately dropped it. He would spar with Bucky and fight alongside him—when Bucky wasn’t attached to Steve. That was, after all, his preferred spot.  

It wasn’t that the others weren’t amazing and quickly becoming friends of Bucky as well, it was just…different. Tony and Bruce didn’t seem to have any real idea of what to make of him. Clint was just Clint. And Natasha, as much as he loved her and trusted her—Steve trusted her after all—there’s always this worry at the back of Bucky’s mind that she was waiting for him to prove her right. That he isn’t good enough to join them, that he’s one step away from falling back into his programming and completing HYDRA’s mission to kill Steve.

It’s why Bucky just preferred to keep to himself. And Steve.

He’d join them when they’d have dinners or movie nights when they were all in town, but didn’t make it a priority to talk to them like Steve did.

Sam had assured him many times that there was no right or wrong way to go about his own recovery. Only Bucky knew what he was comfortable with and could handle. He suggested working with one person at a time to build a relationship because too many people are overwhelming for him.

“Buck?”

“Sorry. Thor’s fine,” Bucky said. He’d completely spaced out for a minute there.

“I know it’s weird,” Steve told him. “To see yourself, or you know, talking to yourself. It’s freaking me out too. So we just have to talk. Let each other know when we’re getting overwhelmed.”

“When that happens, I normally go to you,” Bucky said. “But if it’s you that’s—“

“We’ll cross that bridge when it comes,” Steve promised. “Let’s just go about our day and take it one hour at a time, yeah?”

“Okay.”

“I’m going to make some breakfast and we’ll call Thor down,” Steve told him.

“I’m gonna go shower,” Bucky said. “Don’t worry. I won’t work your dick too much.”

It was completely worth it to see the expression that Steve always wore when embarrassed on Bucky’s face. Though Bucky did miss the way his cheeks would flush and red would slowly creep in.

“You’re a fucking jerk,” Steve said as he watched Bucky walk away.  

Bucky only winked in response.  He laughed to himself as he walked back toward their bathroom.

Despite having given Steve a hard time about the shower, Bucky actually felt incredibly uncomfortable when he got into the bathroom.

Bucky had only taken off his shirt before worrying about whether or not Steve would be okay with it. He stared at his new body in the mirror and felt himself swallow the sudden lump in his throat.

Steve’s chest was near perfect. It wasn’t littered with scars or marks, reminders of what he’d gone through. What Bucky had been _put_ through.

Steve was the perfect specimen, the ideal man. The god among men.

Bucky was the gargoyle found in the garbage pits of hell.

Bucky splashed water on his face and held the counter in his hands, focusing on his breathing. Steve had never drawn attention to anything regarding Bucky’s trauma other than to say that he was sorry for what happened to Bucky. He’d never said anything specific about the scars or anything like that. Besides it wasn’t like Bucky had ever willingly taken his shirt off in front of Steve. It had only happened about three times when Bucky had been too injured for Steve to really be focused on the scarring.  

But now Steve had free reign to look at whatever he wanted to on Bucky’s body. He had the opportunity to see every scar, every reminder of the torture he’d endured.

Bucky walked out of the bathroom without even bothering to turn on the water. He went to Steve’s dresser and took out one of his hoodies and pulled it on over his head. Bucky felt weirdly exposed and just wanted to crawl back into bed.

Instead, he went out into the kitchen, intending to go and wrap his arms around Steve and just hold on until his emotions were back in check. It was one of the grounding techniques that Sam had told him about months ago. It was easier to use Steve because he was present and made him feel safe so he could break down if he needed to.

Bucky shuffled out to their little kitchen and pressed his forehead against Steve’s shoulder blades. Except he was a little too tall and ended up tilting his head to land on Steve’s shoulder. Steve’s metal shoulder.

Bucky jumped back and felt the panic clawing at his throat again.

Steve turned, his hands held up and clearly saying Bucky’s name but Bucky couldn’t hear him. All he could think about was how _wrong_ it was that Steve had a metal arm and it wasn’t really _Steve._

“Bucky!”

Bucky jerked back to himself. “Sorry.”

Steve sighed and reached out a hand to him—the flesh one, the _real_ one. “Having a hard time?”

Bucky nodded and moved within Steve’s space. “I can’t. You.”

“We’ll figure it out,” Steve promised again, pulling Bucky into his side. “We just need to calm down a little, right?”

“What did you do?” Bucky asked quietly, noticing the broken pan in the sink.  

Steve chuckled quietly. “Forgot I had a metal arm and broke the frying pan, and possibly the oven, with the force I used to set it down. It’s more intense than it looks.”

“Sorry,” Bucky said again.

“Don’t apologize,” Steve said. “There’s nothing to be sorry for. It’s your arm and my mistake.”

They stood there, huddled together without fully looking at each other for another few minutes. It was much tougher than Bucky had been expecting.

“Want to help me with breakfast?” Steve asked, pulling away and moving back to the stove.

“I can try,” Bucky said.

“You’ve been working on your cooking skills,” Steve reminded him. “But you’ve yet to make me anything.”

Bucky coughed and felt like he was on fire. “I’m not that good.”

Steve turned around and his eyes went wide. “Oh my god. That’s what I look like when I blush! I look fucking ridiculous.”

“That’s what you feel when you blush?” Bucky asked and rushed to the bathroom to see if there was any trace of the blush left. There was definitely a reddish-pink tint to his face and Bucky felt strangely proud. It felt like he was correctly acting like Steve.

“If you’re done admiring me in the mirror, will you come and help me with the bacon?” Steve called from the kitchen.

Bucky couldn’t help but grin and rush out to help Steve. He already felt lighter and more relaxed about the whole situation.

* * *

“So you two have swapped your physical forms?” Thor asked hours later. It had taken Thor until after dinner before he could break away for their chat. It had been a long, strenuous day for Steve and Bucky as they anxious waited for him.

“Yeah,” Steve said. Bucky hadn’t spoken since Thor walked in and hadn’t moved. Steve reached out to place his hand on Bucky’s knee. Bucky’s hands latched on it, but he didn’t move his eyes from where he was currently trying to burn holes into the table.

“You believe it to have been caused by the sorcerer?”

“It’s the only thing we can think of,” Steve said. “But if you’ve got any other suggestions, I’m all ears.”

Thor thought for a minute, his hands folded on the table.

“It makes sense for it to be some sort of spell from the sorcerer,” Thor said. “It’s no easy feat to force a person’s being into another body. I would have to agree with you.”

“Do you have any suggestions on what to do? When this will be fixed?” Steve asked. He couldn’t bring himself to ask _If_ it would be fixed.

“I assume it will fade after a certain amount of time. Though it might require a more active approach.” Thor frowned. “I admit that this isn’t my area of expertise.”

Steve sighed. “I didn’t think so.”

“But I do have resources back on Asgard that might be of some help. I will go home and reach out to those who have more knowledge on magic and sorcery,” Thor told them.

“You mean Loki?” Steve asked.

Thor nodded. “My brother may be many things, Captain, but he is the only person with enough knowledge to be able to help with this.”

“Okay,” Steve said. “Do what you have to do. But don’t tell any of the others.”

Thor looked between the two of them. “If that is your wish, I shall not stray from it.”

“It’s just a big deal and we’d prefer to handle it by ourselves. That way they don’t worry about us,” Steve said.

“As you wish,” Thor said. Thor actually winked at him and Steve chuckled. Thor had loved _The Princess Bride_ when they had all watched it weeks ago.

“Thank you,” Steve said.

“I suppose I best get back to Asgard and get a jump on things,” Thor said.

“I hadn’t even thought you’d have to leave so quickly,” Steve said. “What about Dr. Foster?”

“My Jane would love another chance to come back to Asgard and study,” Thor told him. “Do not worry about me.”

Thor gave a very pointed look toward Bucky. Steve inclined his head.

“If that is all, I shall be on my way,” Thor announced as he stood.

Steve stood up as well and Bucky followed suit. They walked Thor to the door.

“Sergeant, my friend, take things easy,” Thor said as he clapped Bucky on the shoulder. “This shall be fixed.”

Steve reached out to shake his hand. “Thank you, Thor.”

“I shall contact you when I know anything.” Thor smiled before walking out of Steve and Bucky’s suite and shutting the door behind him.

Steve let out a breath and rubbed at his face. His left shoulder locked up and he was tired of it hurting. It had been painful all day. Way more painful than Bucky had ever let on.

That had been the first thing Steve had become aware of when he’d woken up. It was a constant ache and pain. And then, of course, the thrumming of power and whirring of mechanics whenever he moved it. Steve didn’t know how Bucky handled it all.

But if Bucky could deal with it, so could Steve. He could—he _would_ do this for Bucky.

“This is not how I thought our day was going to go,” Steve said, filling the silence as they both sat down on the couch.

Bucky cracked a smile. “What did you have in mind?”

Steve leaned back, his arm on the back of the couch. He wanted Bucky to lean into him like he normally did, but Bucky didn’t seem to be interested.

“For starters, we wouldn’t have switched bodies or beings or whatever.”

Bucky snorted.

“We would have slept in,” Steve said.

“You would have slept in?” Bucky asked with a smirk.

“Well, we would have at least stayed in bed for longer,” Steve said. He dropped his arm and shifted closer to Bucky.

“How long would we have stayed in bed for?” Bucky asked. He hesitantly put his arm along the back of the couch, mirroring what Steve had just been doing.

“Until you made me breakfast,” Steve said. He shuffled his way into Bucky’s side and stretched his legs along the length of the couch.

“You really want me to cook for you,” Bucky said as his arms came down around Steve. He trailed his fingers over Steve’s shoulder.

“Only if you want to,” Steve told him. “But I’m pretty sure I could have convinced you.”

“Probably.”

“You want to watch anything?” Steve asked after a few minutes.

“No. I think I just want to go to bed.”

“Okay,” Steve said. “I’m gonna go shower and meet you in the bedroom.”

“No!” Bucky said, grabbing his arm.

“What’s wrong?” Steve asked.

“I…I just,” Bucky stopped and wouldn’t meet his eyes.  

Steve nodded. “All right. We’ll just go to bed.”

Bucky relaxed instantly and Steve wished he’d have been able to really get to the root of whatever was causing Bucky’s concerns. But Bucky was going to have to share that with him when he was ready.

He followed Steve into the bedroom and they both quietly went about pulling on their sleeping clothes. Steve went to grab one of his usual t-shirts and nearly laughed because it was a little loose. As were the shorts he tried to pull on.

Bucky went the opposite direction and pulled on a pair of Steve’s pants and kept his hoodie on.

Steve tried not to get more worried, but it was hard not to. Bucky layered on the clothing when he was feeling particularly vulnerable or whenever he got too cold too quickly.

“You cold, Buck?” Steve asked. “Want me to turn up the heat?”

Bucky shook his head as he crawled into bed.

“You sure?” Steve asked as he shut off the light.

“Yeah.” Bucky switched on their TV and flipped to their Netflix queue to pull up something to fall asleep too. Bucky put on _Parks and Recreation_ since it was happy and nothing too intense happened. Sam had been the one to push it on them when Bucky had just gotten back. He loved it.

Steve pulled the covers up and over them and laid down. He wondered if Bucky was going to come to him or if he should go to Bucky. He was saved by this when Bucky laid down, not even setting the sleep timer, and reached for Steve to pull him in.

Bucky shuffled around until he pulled Steve mostly on top of him.

“Are you sure you’re comfortable, Buck?” Steve asked.

“You sleep like this every night.”

“Yeah, but I’m used to it,” Steve said.

“Are you?” Bucky asked quietly.

“You don’t crush me if that’s what you’re worried about,” Steve said. “But you’ll be able to see that for yourself tonight.”

He felt Bucky swallow.

“Okay.”

Steve let his fingers absently move along Bucky’s chest. “Are you going to be able to sleep?”

“I hope so,” Bucky said.

“Me too,” Steve said. “It feels like my mind isn’t slowing down.”

Bucky moved his hand to Steve’s head and gently massaged. Steve’s eyes fluttered closed minutes later and he was quickly on the verge of sleep. His last though before falling asleep was that he hoped he remembered this trick for when Bucky had bad nights after they switched back.

* * *

Steve woke up, feeling strange that he wasn’t under Bucky who had decided to act like a blanket for him. Steve honestly didn’t mid it because he liked having the tangible reminder that Bucky was _there_.

“Morning,” Bucky said from under him.

Steve rolled off Bucky and glanced over at him. “You sleep okay?”

Bucky smiled. “Yeah. Surprisingly.”

“Told you, you don’t crush me,” Steve said. Steve had told him that the past few nights when they went to bed and Bucky hesitated over whether or not he should pull Steve to him.

Bucky smiled and it was nice to see him so relaxed.

“You getting used to this yet?” Steve asked.

“It’s only been two nights,” Bucky said. “Not sure that’s enough time.”

“Yeah. Suppose you’re right.”

Steve stretched and nearly groaned at his shoulder. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to endure much more of this silently. He’d have to say something soon. It shouldn’t hurt Bucky this much.

“I’m gonna go shower,” Steve said.

“No!” Bucky said. “I was just about to make you breakfast in bed.”

Steve frowned. “You did that last yesterday.”

“I thought you wanted me to cook,” Bucky said.

“I do. And think you’re a great cook. But…What’s this all about?” Steve asked gently. He turned onto his side and glanced at Bucky’s face.

“I just want to do something nice for you,” Bucky said.

“Bucky,” Steve said. “Talk to me.”

Bucky clenched his jaw and closed his eyes. “I don’t want you to see.”

“See what?” Steve asked.

“Everything.”

Steve frowned. “You mean, your everything?”

Bucky nodded.

Steve felt the discomfort rushing through him without heat of embarrassment.

“I wouldn’t look at… _that_ ,” Steve said feeling much more embarrassed than he should. In his defense, he doubted there were many people who _wouldn’t_ feel a little strange when switching bodies with someone they loved and were slightly attracted to.

Bucky snorted. “I’m not worried about you looking at my dick, Steve.”

“But you’re worried about something?”

Bucky clenched his jaw. Steve stayed quiet, waiting for Bucky to find the courage to talk about what was on his mind.

“I’m not like you,” Bucky said quietly.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re perfect,” Bucky said.

“I’m not—“

“Your body is,” Bucky said. “I mean, there’s not a mark on you.”

“Okay.”

“I took off your shirt and then couldn’t do anything because I couldn’t stop thinking about how I don’t look like that,” Bucky said quietly.

Steve hummed but didn’t interrupt.

“I have scars, Steve. Lots of them. And I just…don’t want you to see them.”

“Why?” Steve asked. “What are you afraid that I’ll do if I see them?”

“You’ll know,” Bucky said. “And you won’t look at me the same.”

Steve was quiet for almost a minute. “What do you think I’m going to look at you like?”

“Like a monster.”

“Bucky…”

“No, Steve.” Bucky took a breath. “I am a monster.”

“No,” Steve interrupted. “You’re _not_. You never were. They made you think you were and I’m going to be here, reminding you that you’re not what they made you every day until you start to believe me.”

Bucky clenched his jaw.

“I promise you that I will not look at you any differently,” Steve told him.

“You can’t promise that.”

“Yes, I can,” Steve said. “You’re my best friend, Bucky. There’s nothing you could do that would change that.”  

Bucky nodded. “I’m going to make breakfast.”

“I’m gonna shower.”

Bucky got up and to the door in less than four steps.

“Buck,” Steve said. “I’m gonna be quick, okay.”

“Thanks.”

Steve was going to be quick, but it didn’t stop him from quickly checking out Bucky’s chest in the mirror. It wasn’t bad. There were a few scars that stood out and obviously the shoulder was awful, but that was nothing to be ashamed of.

Steve pulled off the rest of his clothes and jumped in the shower. He held his left shoulder under the water for a full minute, massaging it and moving it around trying to loosen it up. He thought about mentioning something to Bucky today, but it would have to wait. Bucky was already on edge and trying to talk to him about getting his arm worked on might be too much.

Neither the massage or the hot water helped, so Steve gave up.

He showered quickly and couldn’t help but notice that there were more scars than he originally thought. But it still didn’t change how Steve saw Bucky.

Steve saw Bucky as a fighter, a survivor. A few scars only proved his point. He doubted Bucky would agree with that. Steve was determined to prove it to Bucky before this thing played out.

* * *

The one week marker came about without much fanfare. Steve and Bucky hadn’t given it too much thought.

Until Tony came pounding on the door and demanding that the two grandpas need to show their face.

“You two have been hiding out for over a week now,” Tony said from the entryway. “You avoiding us?”

“No,” Steve said and didn’t miss the way Tony’s eyes widened slightly because he thought it was _Bucky_ talking. Steve would have to remember that Bucky wasn’t entirely comfortable with talking too much in front of other people.

Bucky turned eyes to Steve, who nodded once to him. “We’ve just been recovering.”

“You two been injured?” Tony asked. “You didn’t tell anyone!”

“Not like that,” Bucky said, the words sounding frantic to Steve’s ears. “Just exhausted and both of us having a couple bad days.”

He didn’t elaborate and Tony obviously knew what that was code for.

“You going to come down for dinner?” Tony asked. “Clint wants to order pizza and watch a movie.”

“Sure,” Bucky said. “We’ll be right down.”

“Okay. Don’t want to have to send Dum-E up here to drag you guys down,” Tony said.

“Thor gonna be there?” Steve asked.

“Yeah, big guy,” Tony said. “He’s going to drop in.”

Tony left with a small smile and Bucky let out a breath.

“Hey,” Steve said, rushing to him and grabbing his shoulders. “It’s all right.”

“I can’t be you,” Bucky said quietly. “I don’t know how.”

“You don’t have to be me,” Steve said.

“They’re going to expect me to joke with them and I, I don’t think I can,” Bucky said starting to panic.

“We’ll make it work,” Steve said. “You can stick by me if you want to.”

“They’ll know something’s wrong,” Bucky said. “You don’t do that. _I_ do that.”

“I do that sometimes,” Steve admitted. “It’s just not something people notice.”

Bucky frowned. “You do?”

“Yeah,” Steve told him.

“What if people comment on you not being as social?”

“Just tell them you had a rough night and they’ll leave it at that,” Steve told him.

Bucky took a breath and nodded. “Okay.”

Steve pulled Bucky into him and just held on for a minute. Bucky gripped the back of his shirt and then let out another breath. Steve sighed and pulled away. He wished this was easier for Bucky.

They rode the elevator down to the common room in silence, but their hands were locked together.

“Look what the cat dragged in,” Clint said from his spot on the love seat.

“Very funny,” Bucky mumbled and Steve nearly grinned himself.

“I’m gonna go talk to Thor,” his whispered in Bucky’s ear. Bucky only nodded before folding himself into the corner of the sofa.

Steve carefully left Bucky’s side to go and stand by Thor.

“Anything?” he asked quietly.

“Nothing absolute, sadly,” Thor said. “Loki does believe it will run its natural course and be done.”

“What is its natural course?” Steve said. “Do we have to do something to switch back?”

Thor laughed. “That is not how magic and sorcery work. But all magic has its limits. Loki believes after a certain length of time, you two will simply revert back.”

“How long?” Steve asked.

“He guesses within the next Midgardian lunar cycle,” Thor said. “That is the most common time length.”

“What is a lunar cycle?” Steve asked. Space and science had always been Bucky’s primary interest.

“It’s one complete cycle of the lunar phases,” Thor explained. “This happened to you two days after a new moon, so you’ll have to wait until the moon reaches that exact same phase again.”

“How long will that take?” Steve asked.

“A full cycle is about 30 earth days. My assumption would be about twenty days or so more. However, I admit that I am not an expert on the Midgardian lunar phases.”

“Okay,” Steve said quietly. His eyes shifted back to Bucky who had a small, strained smile on his face. “Will it be painful or have any lasting effects or damage?”

“Was it painful to swap?”

“I don’t know. I honestly don’t remember.” Steve frowned. “I only remember the orange haze going toward Bucky, shouting his name and trying to get my shield between him and the haze.

“I don’t even remember getting back to the tower,” Steve said.

“It sounds as though it won’t be painful,” Thor said softly. “Lasting damage I am doubtful of. But I would hope there are a few lasting effects.”

Steve furrowed his brow. “What are you talking about?”

Thor inclined his head to where Bucky was sitting. “The Sergeant has been through much. I would hope this experience gives him a little courage in regards to his relationships.”

“Courage?”

“To interact,” Thor said. “I’d hate to think of him shutting everyone out because he’s afraid.”

Steve swallowed. “That would be nice for him. He deserves to have some peace after everything.”

“He’s found quite a bit with you,” Thor told him.

Steve nodded. “Sometimes I worry that it’s not enough.”

“He believes that you are,” Thor said, intentionally changing the direction Steve had tried to go in.

Thor reached out to grab Steve’s shoulder. “You take on so much of the world’s responsibility, it’s okay to allow yourself to have something. Especially when that someone wants you just as badly.”

Steve swallowed again. “Thank you, Thor.”

“Of course, Captain.” Thor dropped his hand. “Let us go back and return to the others.”

Steve nodded and made his way over to Bucky. “Can I sit here?”

Bucky smiled and reached his arm out and Steve nearly fell into him. He curled against Bucky the way Bucky normally did to Steve.

“Are you okay?” Bucky said quietly as he rubbed at Steve’s shoulder.

“I don’t know,” Steve said.

“You need anything?” Bucky asked.

“Just let me stay here?”

“You let me enough times,” Bucky said. “I think I can return the favor.”

Steve laughed and felt Bucky laugh under him.

“What did Thor say?”

“Nothing for sure,” Steve said. “But he thinks we just have to wait it out.”

“How long?”

“A couple more weeks,” Steve said. “He thinks it has something to do with the moon.”

“Waiting for a complete rotation of the lunar phases?” Bucky asked.

Steve nodded. “Yeah. He thinks we should just be able to swap back.”

Bucky let out a breath. “Okay.”

“You two going to eat any pizza or just cuddle all night and be disgusting?” Clint called.

Steve had the delight of seeing Bucky blush and he was determined to find out what caused Bucky to blush when they swap back.

“I’ll grab us some pizza,” Steve offered.

He went to grab an entire box of pizza and a couple of sodas and water. He had no plans to move again until the movie— _Brave—_ was over. After Bucky nearly pulled Steve back into his side, he figured Bucky felt the exact same way.

* * *

After Steve had told Bucky that they’d be stuck like this for a few more weeks, Bucky had thought he’d panic. Instead, he took everything in stride and started to appreciate the changes.

He was no longer being treated as though he was fragile, or a bomb that everyone was waiting to detonate. It was nice to feel like part of the group instead of like an outsider. Even if he still rarely spoke and continued to be plastered to Steve’s side.

Not only that, but Bucky was beginning to understand Steve’s body and what he was capable of. He was so much stronger than Bucky had been expecting. He wasn’t sure if it was just residual memories from before the war where there were days that Steve could barely pick himself out of bed or just the fear of Steve not being strong enough to contain him should something happen.

Bucky had punched through a heavy bag the night after the movie night. Bucky had been restless and Steve had suggested boxing. He’d mentioned before that he’d done a lot of that before he’d found Bucky again. He’d just let his mind wander and sort of take out all his fear and frustrations out on the bags.

It had taken Bucky only a few swings before he’d knocked the entire bag off the chain. So yeah, Steve was stronger than Bucky had previously been thinking. But that wasn’t anything that Bucky himself couldn’t do either.

The other big change was that Steve and Bucky were no longer in seclusion, though they were still mostly keeping to their suite. They had ventured out a little bit more, eating breakfast with them a few times and joined them for movie nights or dinners.

It was the longest the entire team had remained in New York after a mission.

Steve and Bucky were normally the first to leave and get back to their brownstone in Brooklyn. Fighting always drained them in a way that the rest of the team didn’t really understand. They always preferred just to go home and be by themselves until they had time to calm down from both the fight and adrenaline.

Everyone else tended to trickle home as they liked or left when another mission arose. Tony was very laid back about it all. Steve always said that he thinks Tony likes having them all around.

But there must be something happening because everyone seemed to stay behind this time.

Bucky was finding that he didn’t mind too much.

He had been going down to the gym with Steve every day to work out. Normally some of the others come in, whether they were working out with them or just keeping them company. It was sort of nice to be training and working out as friends instead of a test subject.

And then Tony decided to try something new.

“Why don’t we have a little entertainment?” Tony said.

“What are you thinking?” Natasha asked.

“Capsicle vs Robocop.”

Bucky froze. He never spared with Steve. He hadn’t been able to bring himself too, mostly out of fear that he might revert back to the Asset, might not be able to control himself and up hurting Steve.

Bucky knew that there was always a chance that Steve wouldn’t be able to hold his own against him. Yeah, they were both super soldiers and yes he had the strength to destroy heavy bags, but that wasn’t the same thing. And Bucky had a metal arm, that Steve would make sure Bucky used to make the playing field fair.

“I’m game,” Steve said, turning to smile at Bucky.

“I—I don’t know,” Bucky said.

“What’s amatter, Cap?” Tony asked. “’Fraid your boyfriend’s gonna wipe the floor with you?”

 _Yes._ That was exactly what he was terrified about. He didn’t want to hurt Steve. Then Tony’s words caught up to him. He wasn’t the Asset. He was Captain America.

He could fight and prove to Steve that they couldn’t spar together. He could show him that Bucky’s arm, strength, and training were no match for him and Bucky still wasn’t that good at determining his own strength. And the flashbacks to Steve’s battered and bloodied face beneath his hands as the fire and helicarrier rained down around them.

Bucky shook his head. He needed to prove to Steve that his wasn’t a good idea. This was the opportunity because Bucky, hopefully being in Steve’s body, won’t have the same triggers or flashbacks.

“Fine,” Bucky said. “Let’s go.”

Bucky followed Steve to the mat, seeing the smirk Steve was sporting. It was like he couldn’t wait.

“Please, be careful,” Bucky whispered. “I don’t want you to damage your body.”

“I’ll be okay,” Steve told him. “I’m tougher than you think I am.”

Steve must have seen something on his face and reached for his hand. “It’ll be okay. We can stop at any time.”

Bucky nodded and went to take a stance opposite Steve. He took a deep breath and let his hands loosely fist.

“Did you need me to count down?” Tony asked.

Steve lunged and Bucky was thrown off guard. He planted his feet and used Steve’s momentum to twist him to the side.

Bucky felt his mind switch to fight mode and he allowed his instincts to take over.

Steve just grinned at him and came at him again. Steve repeated this a few times and Bucky was always able to use that momentum to force Steve out of his path.

“You going easy on me?” Bucky asked.

“Nope. You’re just stronger than I am.”

Bucky hesitated. Was Steve truly stronger than he was? Bucky had more training and a metal arm, but was Steve really the stronger of the two of them?

It’s not like they’d had competitions, though Bucky was starting to think that maybe they should.

Unfortunately, that hesitation cost him and Steve used the metal arm to land a blow to his stomach. Bucky crumpled over but it didn’t feel like he’d broken anything.

He looked up with a surprised expression on his face.

“I don’t go down easy,” Steve told him.

“That’s a metal fucking arm,” Bucky argued already getting his breath back. “You telling me it don’t break your bones?”

Steve shrugged. “Probably could, but you’d have to use a lot more force than you’d be willing to exert on me.”

“Besides,” Steve threw out the metal arm in a jab that Bucky easily blocked. “I heal quick.”

Steve swept a foot beneath Bucky and watched as he dropped to the mat. Bucky scrambled back up and decided to stop playing defense. He knew the weaknesses of his own body, so he’d have to try for it.

He aimed a well-placed jab right to the front of Steve’s left shoulder, where the seam for the arm was. Steve winced and turned to rotate his shoulder and Bucky felt badly for a moment before trying to use that distraction to his advantage.

He leapt onto Steve’s back, hauling him down to the ground and pulling him into a hold similar to the one that Steve had used on him during the helicarrier. Just like last time, Steve, rather Bucky’s body, didn’t have enough strength to break free.

“One. Two, and Three!” Tony counted down.

Bucky broke away from him, his head starting to spin. He looked at Steve. “I thought I was weak and injured. That’s why I couldn’t get out.”

Steve shrugged, coming over to hand him a bottle of water. “Probably some of it. But I told you, I’m stronger than you seem to give me credit for.”

Bucky took a drink. “You can punch through a heavy bag.”

Steve laughed. “Yeah. So can you.”

“Bucky just stared at him.

“Haven’t you noticed the dents and destruction that has been happening in your wake?” Steve asked.

Bucky frowned and shook his head.

“I don’t think we have a fork left that isn’t bent. And I’ve had to fix the shower curtain every time I go in there,” he continued. “I had a really hard time with that at first.”

“I remember you said you pulled a car door off,” Bucky admitted quietly.

“Yeah. That type of strength doesn’t just go away. I had to learn to control it,” Steve said. “It’s why it always looks like I’m not trying hard enough.”

Bucky nodded.

“I’m calling a rematch when we’re back to ourselves,” Steve said.

Bucky smirked. “You’re on.”

* * *

Steve woke up the next morning with his shoulder feeling like it was trying to claw its way off of him. He honestly didn’t know how Bucky put up with it.

He shouldn’t _have_ to put up with it. They live with a certified technical genius who’d be more than happy—eager even—to create something better for Bucky. But Bucky had barely been able to sit through them taking apart the arm in the first place to check for any bugs or trackers, which they found four of, and any detonation devices in case HYDRA could still control either Bucky or the arm remotely.

Bucky hadn’t been back in Tony’s lab since that day.

Steve understood. Well, as much as he could anyways. It was a terrifying experience for Bucky who’d spent the last seventy years being experimented on, frozen, and generally tortured.

It didn’t stop Steve’s heart from breaking when he realized just how much Bucky kept to himself.

“Steve?” Bucky asked, his voice thick with sleep.

“My arm, Buck,” Steve nearly hissed out. “Is it fucking normal to hurt this damn bad?”

Bucky woke up instantly, his eyes clear and hands gentle on Steve. He pressed his hands Steve’s injured shoulder and massaged gently. “Is it from hitting you yesterday?”

Steve saw the guilty expression on his face and shook his head. “That was over pretty quickly. This is just constant. Has been since I woke up like this two weeks ago.”

“Heat and pressure can help a little,” Bucky said, trying to give some sort of relief to Steve.

“Are you in pain like this all the time?”

Bucky’s gaze flicked up to meet Steve’s before flitting away. “You get used to it.”

“Bucky,” Steve said softly, his other hand coming to rest on Bucky’s knee. “I don’t like that you’re constantly in pain.”

“It’s just how it is.”

“It doesn’t have to be,” Steve said gently. “You have people who care about you. People who want to help. Tony could make you a whole new arm that wouldn’t be this painful.”

“No.”

“But Buck—“

“I said, No, Steve,” Bucky said.

Steve sighed and decided not to push it. Bucky kept massaging his shoulder and it was helping a very small amount. In reality, Bucky’s idea of “helping” was barely making a dent. Steve figured that the only reason this was working at all was because it was Bucky touching him.

“I can’t, Stevie,” Bucky said quietly, shame in his voice.

Steve reached up for his hand. “I know it scares you. It scares me too.”

“It’s hard for me to separate then from now when I’m back in those types of rooms,” Bucky said.

Steve nodded. They had talked about it with Sam a lot and he seemed to think that whenever Bucky felt more vulnerable, his panic and anxiety would start to creep in, making his mind jumbled and unable to tell memories from reality.

“We could find a new room for him to use,” Steve suggested.

Bucky shrugged. “I don’t know if that will help.”

“Do you want to get your arm fixed?” Steve asked changing topics, his mind starting to think of a new tactic.

“I can’t.”

“That’s not what I asked, Buck,” Steve said. “If you could, and the plans were what you wanted, and everything was fine, would you get your arm fixed, rebuilt, whatever?”

“Yes,” Bucky whispered after a minute or two of silence.

“What if I did it for you?”

“What?!” Bucky asked, his head whipping to Steve.

“Think about it,” Steve said. “We still have at least two full weeks, if not longer, before we might switch back. That’s plenty of time for Tony to fix the prototypes he’s made to your specifications.”

Bucky nervously bit at his lip.

“I could go through the procedure, get the arm exactly as you want it. You could be there to stand watch and make sure everything’s going okay,” Steve said.

“It will hurt,” Bucky warned.

“Hey, if it spares you any pain at all, I’d do it,” Steve told him.

“You’re such a fucking sap,” Bucky told him, but there was an anxiousness about him that was new.

“Takes one to know one,” Steve shot back.

Bucky still looked hesitant.

“You don’t have to decide right now,” Steve told him. “It’s just something to think about.”

“You sure you want to do this?” Bucky asked.

“Yes.” Steve didn’t hesitate.

“Then I’ll think about it.”

“Fair enough,” Steve said. “I’m gonna take a shower. Are you making breakfast?”

“I made breakfast yesterday,” Bucky complained but he was already getting up.

“That’s because you’re the one who’s been watching cooking tutorials on youtube for months,” Steve said.

“You can eat cereal for that,” Bucky threatened.

Steve laughed feeling lighter than he had in weeks.

It had been a difficult adjustment and they were still working through it. They both had a lot of insecurities about themselves and had never really shared them before. Bucky was still constantly worried about what Steve saw when he looked at Bucky’s body. He also worried constantly about Steve’s strength.

Steve worried about how heavy Bucky’s body was and what he could do to make it at least a little more comfortable. Steve also worried that it was going to be jarring for Bucky to revert back to his old body, that one that was constantly in pain. Steve didn’t know if he’d be able to bear watching Bucky suffering, knowing exactly how awful it felt.

And Steve was a little concerned for himself and how he’d be able to handle being shoved back into his body—the one he was still slightly uncomfortable with.

Yes, he has a scientific body that was designed to be at peak condition, but he still sometimes felt like he was too big for it. Like he couldn’t quite figure out what to do with his hands or arms. He took up too much space and sometimes longed for his smaller body that would allow him to become invisible if he’d wanted to.

But he couldn’t ignore the fact that being healthy was one of the biggest pluses to this entire situation. He probably wouldn’t have made it to 26, let alone near 30.

Either way they were both working through their own issues and communicating in a way that they hadn’t been able to in a while: completely honestly and displaying their vulnerability. It was a nice change and Steve hoped it carried over when they eventually swapped back.

Steve tried not to think about _if_ that would ever happen.

* * *

Bucky went down to the common floor and was a little surprised to see everyone there. He had been hoping he was going to find only Thor to get an update, but no such luck.

“Well, if isn’t everyone’s favorite old-timer,” Tony said. “Where is your ever-present shadow?”

Bucky had to think for a minute before realizing that they were asking about where Bucky, who was now actually Steve, was.

“He’s resting upstairs,” Bucky lied easily.

“Tony, leave him alone.” Bucky was shocked that Natasha was the one coming to Bucky’s defense. “He’s been through a lot and being around Steve clearly makes him more comfortable.”

Bucky nodded to Natasha and went into the little kitchenette area to get some water.

“Haven’t seen you in a while, stranger.”

Bucky turned around, the water held tightly in his hand as he faced Natasha.

“Things going okay?” she asked quietly.

“Yes. Why wouldn’t they be?” Bucky knew he was sounding defensive, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop.

“You’ve been kinda MIA for over two weeks now,” Natasha said. “Is Bucky having trouble?”

“Why do you assume it’s Bucky’s fault?”

“I didn’t say that,” Natasha said slowly. “I was just asking after him. Am I allowed to do that?”

“You haven’t before.”

Natasha frowns. “I’ve tried to, Steve, you know that. It’s just difficult.”

“Why?” Bucky asked.

“He reminds me of me and what could have happened to me if I hadn’t gotten out when I did,” Natasha said. “If I hadn’t been so good at what they trained me to do, I might still be there.”

Bucky cleared his throat.

“I know it’s selfish, but I can’t handle that reminder right now,” Natasha said. “Not after everything that happened with HYRDA and SHIELD.”

“It’s been a year,” Bucky said softly.

“I know. And now I feel like I’ve missed my window,” Natasha said. “You know I’m not really good at this friendship thing.”

Bucky took a drink of water. He didn’t know what to say. He wished Steve was here to help him.

“He’s okay, though?” Natasha asked.

“Yeah.” Bucky sighed. “As well as he can be, I guess.”

“Hey,” Natasha gently squeezed his shoulder. “The fact that he’s here at all is a huge step. I mean, he sought you out and willingly stayed with you, got treatment. That’s a massive step. Even if it doesn’t always feel like it.”

Bucky swallowed and nodded. “He’s starting to try and talk to you all more.”

“I noticed that,” Natasha said. “That’s huge progress.”

“You just have to be patient with him,” Bucky told her. “And stop treating him like he’s an unstable explosive.”

“I was just being cautious,” Natasha said to him. “But I’ve been working on it.”

“He’s noticed,” Bucky said. It was what Natasha needed to hear and it was truer than Bucky originally thought.

“Good,” Natasha said. “I’ll let you get back to him. I’m sure your poor heart is pining away.”

Bucky looked at her. She laughed.

“Come on! You and I both know that you can’t bear for him to be out of your sight for too long.”

Bucky felt his heart stutter. Steve had said something similar but he had assumed it was just Steve trying to make Bucky feel better about needing Steve to be around him.

“I’m not that bad,” Bucky argued. “Bucky’s worse.”

“Really?” Natasha asked with a skeptical eyebrow. “Bucky positions himself to see all the entrances and exits. You position yourself so you can see Bucky at all times.”

“Because he’s not stable?” Bucky tried to guess.

Natasha snorted. “Is that what you tell yourself?”

Bucky shifted his eyes from her face, feeling that now familiar feeling of his face blushing.

“I was similar with Clint when I switched sides,” Natasha said after a while. “Not to your extent, but that’s because you both are way more attention and affection starved than I was.”

“It’s okay to want this, Steve,” Natasha said. “It’s okay to want him. You just have to tell him.”

“I already have him,” Bucky said quietly.

“But you’re worried the he might not feel the same way.” It wasn’t a question.

“He has me,” Bucky said.

Natasha just smiled. “Tell him that.”

He turned to leave because he suddenly _needed_ to be with Steve. Bucky hesitated at the doorway and turned around. “Thanks, Natasha.”

“You’re welcome, Steve. Go get him.” She winked and Bucky let out a strange giggle. He rushed back to the elevator and couldn’t help but bounce as he waited for it to stop on his and Steve’s floor.

He burst through the elevator and Steve jumped up from the couch in alarm.

“Buck, what’s happening?”

Bucky rushed to him, throwing his arms around him and just holding on tightly. Steve’s arms were around him by the next blink, his hands gently rubbing Bucky’s back and everything sort of slotted into place for him.

“I…I just needed to see you,” he said instead. He couldn’t admit that he wanted Steve, was _in_ love with him, when it sort of felt like he was really just telling himself.

“I’m sorry,” Steve said. “I should have gone with you. I hadn’t been thinking.”

“No. It’s. I just…I just missed you.”

Steve laughed, but it wasn’t harsh or unkind. “It’s been like twenty minutes.”

Bucky huffed.

“I missed you too,” Steve admitted.

They were quiet and Bucky felt a wave of courage. “Can we talk to Tony?”

Steve pulled away, his eyes wide. “To talk about your arm?”

Bucky nodded.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to pressure you.”

“Are _you_ sure?” Bucky asked in response. “It’s painful, Stevie. And there’s not going to be a lot they can do for you.”

“I can put up with it for a few hours if it saves you pain,” Steve said, his hand running through Bucky’s hair.

Bucky rolled his eyes but couldn’t bring himself to say anything. Steve was just so fucking sincere.

“Okay.” Bucky said at last.

“Want to go now?” Steve asked.

Bucky nodded, his hands already starting to tremble. “You might have to do the talking.”

“Okay,” Steve said. “Just listen for anything you want me to address in case I miss it.”

Bucky took a deep breath. “Let’s go.”

* * *

“Pinch me,” Tony said after Steve told him he wanted him to work on a new arm.

“What?” Bucky asked.

“I have dreamt that this day would come and now that it’s finally here, I can’t fucking believe it.” Tony looked at Steve. “Are you fucking with me?”

“No,” Steve said. Seeing’s Tony’s reaction cemented his decision to do this for Bucky. His arm and his body were two things that Bucky was both very protective of and insecure about. Steve honestly wasn’t sure if Bucky would have ever been able to let Tony help him.

And Tony making it such a big deal would have closed him off even before it started. Bucky was already tense next to Steve, his left leg jittering slightly.

“It’s like Christmas!” Tony said. He must have seen the looks on both Steve and Bucky’s faces because he quickly changed tone.

“Let’s just get right down to it.” He swiveled around and threw his computer screen into the air. “You want to tell me what you want or want me to show what I have?”

“What do you have?” Bucky asked.

“For starters, a re-make of the entire arm,” Tony told them. “As it stands, the arm itself is made out of Adamantium. One of the strongest metals out there. I mean, it’s basically indestructible. You might even have an advantage on Cap’s shield.

“But it’s also almost three times as heavy,” Tony explained. “They weren’t thinking about you as a physical human when they made it. They were thinking of the weapon they were going to be yielding. Think about it. A guy with a metal arm that can literally get through anything? No one stands a chance.”

Bucky closed his eyes and Steve reached over for his hand.

“Of course, they also didn’t think to try and find more vibranium because it wasn’t very well-known back in the day. That’s what Cap’s shield was made of. Even if they did, I don’t think they would have gone through the trouble of re-working the arm just because it might be a little uncomfortable,” Tony continued.

“So, the arm is heavy,” Steve said, “And you want to make less heavy?”

Tony nodded and pulled up a scan of Bucky’s body. “You can see how they basically fused the metal joints to your already existing skeleton. Simple enough. But your body has had to prepare itself and fix itself to try and accommodate for all the extra weight. I’m sure you’ve felt the strain of the arm on your joints and spine.”

Steve glanced over at Bucky before remembering that he was supposed to be answering Tony’s questions. “Yeah.”

“There you go,” Tony said. “So a quick and simple switcheroo will automatically work out better for you.”

“Okay,” Steve said.

“Before I start working out the exactities, what are other things you’d like to change?” Tony asked.

Steve glanced at Bucky again and squeezed his hand. “It’s heavy. My back hurts. My shoulder always hurts.”

“Hmm,” Tony said. “Making the arm itself lighter is going to help that. But maybe we can look into creating an all-new anchor system. Use the vibranium there too.”

Bucky inclined his head.

“Okay,” Steve said. “Just nothing too much.”

Tony nodded. “I’d have everything made out and ready to go, but no decisions will be finalized until that day. If you have any doubts or are unsure, we can always just switch the arm and worry about the anchor joints later.”

Bucky and Steve shared a look.

 “Anything else?” Tony asked.

Bucky cleared his throat. “I—He can’t _feel_ anything.”

Steve nodded.

Tony frowned. “I thought you could feel things?”

Steve opened and closed his mouth, looking to Bucky because he had no idea how to explain this.

“Pressure,” Bucky said. “Anything that hits the arm registers. Whenever he uses it to do anything, he can feel it. But little things, there’s no feeling.”

“Okay. So if you were to punch Steve, you’d feel it,” Tony asked, directing his question to Steve. “But if he just held your hand, you wouldn’t?”

Bucky nodded, so Steve followed suit. He actually remembered that from when they had spared the other day. He could feel every blow that he landed on Bucky.

“It’s not like an injury,” Steve said. “Like if I punched him with my flesh arm, it would hurt. But it doesn’t really _hurt_ with my metal arm. It’s just like, meeting resistance and feeling it reverberate back into me.”

“That’s a side effect of Adamantium,” Tony explained. “Steve’s shield absorbs impacts so he doesn’t have to feel that. Your arm doesn’t.

“But you said it’s not painful to hit anything?”

Steve shook his head. “No.”

“But it is painful just to have?” Tony asked.

“Yeah. It’s like an aching muscle. And nothing I do helps it feel better,” Steve explained.

“Hmm,” Tony said. “That has to mean it’s connected to your nervous system more intently than we thought. I also think that it’s a generalized setting. Do you remember if it hurt like this during your time with HYRDA?”

Steve frowned and tilted his head as if thinking. Bucky looked over at him, his eyes a little wide and he shrugged and shook his head.

“I don’t really remember well, but I don’t think so,” he finally said.

“Fucking pricks,” Tony said. “I think they wired your arm that way so after too long out of cryo or their labs, it starts hurting as another back-up to force you back to them.”

Steve wanted to throw up. “Can you fix that?”

Tony smiled. “’Course I can. I am a genius after all.”

“So, basically you want an arm that’s still functional, less heavy, and doesn’t cause pain. You also want to be able to feel as much as you can. Anything else?” Tony asked

“Does it have to be metal?” Bucky asked softly.

“Well, it can something else, but the metal’s badass,” Tony said. “And frankly, it’s Bucky’s decision, Steve.”

Steve turned to Bucky. “I like it. It reminds me that I’ve gotten through a lot of shit and came out on the other side.”

“You just,” Bucky shifted closer to Steve so he could whisper and Tony wouldn’t hear. “It doesn’t bother you?”

Steve shook his head. “Not at all. It’s a part of you.”

“Okay.”

Steve leaned back. “Metal’s fine.”

“Super,” Tony said. “So, one vibranium arm with sensory feelers and no pain coming right up.”

“How long do you need?” Steve asked.

“In a hurry?” Tony asked.

“Yeah.”

“Well, provided no emergencies come up, three days tops,” Tony said. “I can be ready whenever you are.”

“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” Bucky asked.

“Steve,” Tony said. “It’s like you have no faith in me. Wasn’t I the one who took the arm apart before to get all the trackers and shit out? I didn’t break him then and I won’t break him now. Your faith in me is astounding. You should write a yelp review.”

“He’s going to be in pain,” Bucky continued. “Can you do anything about that?”

“I can talk to Bruce about that stuff and see what he thinks. We can always sedate you if you think that will be easier.”

“No,” Bucky and Steve said at the same time. It’s strange how different their lives were yet they both had the same fear of being unconscious for too long.

“So it’s up to Bruce then,” Tony said. “If he can’t figure anything out, then we’ll work on trying to be as quick and pain-free as possible. You call the shots.”

“Okay.” Steve swallowed, suddenly very nervous. But he would do this for Bucky.

“See you in three days,” Tony said. “Now out. I have work to do.”

* * *

The next two days pass by quickly and quietly. Bucky hadn’t felt like leaving their suite, too nervous and anxious to handle being around people. Steve had understood, so they stayed on their floor working through their Netflix queue.

Bucky had also been very tactile. He practically hung off Steve and plastered himself to Steve’s side. Ever since coming back to him, Bucky was always touching him. He had been touch-starved and desperate for any sort of affection, though he hadn’t known how to talk about it. While he’d gotten better, Bucky still preferred to be touching someone, normally Steve. It had been difficult for him at first to cuddle up next to Steve in front of others, but slowly he’d stopped being concerned.

Now it was strange when Bucky wasn’t practically smothering him like a heavy blanket.

But when he had a really bad night or day, Bucky wouldn’t want to leave their home and needed to be holding onto Steve in some way.  

It was a little strange to be in Bucky’s body and having his own practically curled up in his lap. But it was Bucky there; everything about it was Bucky.

“Are you sure about this?”

Steve sighed. “Buck, you’ve asked me that four times already today. My answer hasn’t changed.”

“It’s going to hurt.”

“Do you want me to do it?” Steve asked instead.

Bucky didn’t answer.

“Bucky,” Steve said, his metal fingers massaging Bucky’s head. “It’s entirely your call. If you need me to do this so you don’t have to, I will.”

Steve sighed. “I _want_ to do this for you. I know how much pain you’re in. I know it’s still difficult for you to be in a medical room or have any procedures done. I feel like this is something you want. Something I can do _for_ you. If it’s not, we don’t have to do this.”

“What do _you_ want?” Steve asked.

Bucky let out a shaky breath. “You to do this.”

“Then I will,” Steve said.

‘But that’s so selfish!” Bucky argued. “I know that it’s going to be painful. But I’m not only willing to let you do it I’m practically _begging_ you to.”

“What would happen if we waited until we switched back?” Steve asked.

“I don’t know what you mean?”

“If we waited until we switched back, would you still want to have this done?” Steve asked.

“Yes.”

“Would you be able to do it?”

Bucky hesitated. “I don’t know.”

They were quiet for a few minutes.

“If you’re having doubts because you’re not sure you want this done, then we won’t,” Steve told him. “But if you’re just worried about it because you don’t want to make me. I want to do this for you.”

“It’s too much.”

“It’s nothing you wouldn’t do if the situations were reversed,” Steve said. “It’s a perfect way to fix your arm and not hurt you or cause you any unnecessary pain.”

“I promise you,” Steve whispered. “I want to do this.”

Bucky let out a breath. “Okay. All right.”

* * *

Steve hated to admit it, but he was nervous. He knew that Tony wouldn’t do anything to hurt him or Bucky’s arm, but being back in a type of hospital bed with machines beeping around him gave him a little too much time to think and remember about being sick when he was younger.

Yeah, he’d never had to stay in the hospital, mostly because he couldn’t afford it, but this is what his life would have been like if he’d had all those problems now.

Steve glanced over at Bucky who didn’t seem to be doing much better. He was pale and trembling, but he had made it into the room. Steve gave him a weak smile. Bucky just tightened his hold on Steve’s hand.

It wasn’t exactly a hospital room, but it did have a similar feel. Tony had apparently put together an entirely new room to use just for this procedure. He’d said that way Bucky would never have to come back here if it was too much.

Steve tended to forget that Tony might understand PTSD a lot more than people gave him credit for. Of course, Steve was also the first one to deny having it, much to Sam’s irritation. He tried not to wallow, but Steve just didn’t think it was fair to try and claim that he knew what it was like, that his situation was even remotely close to those who were fighting right now.

Hell, he couldn’t even say his experiences were the worst out of everyone he knew.

In his head he’d always hear a voice that sounded just like Sam saying, _It’s not a competition. Just because someone had it worse than you doesn’t cancel out your own experiences, your own trauma_ , whenever he’d start thinking this way. He would ignore it.

Steve knew that the voice was right, but there was a big difference in understanding what the voice was saying and actually putting it into practice.

But this, fixing Bucky’s arm, that was something he could do. That was something he wanted to do.

Steve squeezed Bucky’s hand.

“How’re you doing, Champ?” Tony asked.

“Nervous,” Steve said. Bucky’s eyes widened.

“We’re going to do this as quickly as possible,” Tony said. “But Bruce and Dr. Cho have been working on some sort of local anesthetic for you both. A general would, of course, put you to sleep, but we’d also run this risk of overdosing since we wouldn’t be able to really monitor how well you’re doing, if you’re feeling pain, waking up. You know, things like that. Besides both of your serums would just burn through it before it’d really set in.”

Tony glanced at him. “But the local one’s pretty solid. If you’re up for it, we’d like to try it. Best case scenario, it works and you don’t feel much pain. Worst case, you’ll have been injected by a needle a few times just for funzies.”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Try it.”

“Are you sure this will work?” Bucky asked, his eyes and voice hard.

“Easy, Cap,” Tony said. “It’s a work in progress. Let your boy be the Big Boy that was all know he is.”

Bucky very nearly growled.

Steve yanked his hand closer in distraction. “Hey. I’m all right.”

Bucky’s gaze landed on Steve.

“I promise,” Steve continued. “Let them work.”

“If they do anything to hurt you,” Bucky said, not bothering to speak softly.

“Jesus,” Tony said. “Didn’t know Cap had such a bulldog tendency.”

“Only when it comes to people he loves,” Steve said. “Didn’t you say you wanted to see his dark side?”

Tony frowned. “Yeah. But I thought it was more like a rant about the morals of the country or the decline of the economy.”

“Maybe later,” Steve said. “We’re trying to get through this.”

Tony chuckled and Bruce walked in.

“Hi, James,” Bruce greeted. “Steve.”

Steve nodded and Bucky muttered a greeting.

“We’ve been working through this for a while now. It shouldn’t take too long,” Bruce explained. “We’ll be trying the anesthetic and hopefully that will numb the area, at least until we remove the intense and heavy bits.”

“You’ll tell me what you’re doing?” Bucky asked.

“Of course,” Bruce said before Tony could interrupt. “Nothing will be done without Bucky’s say so.”

“Listen to Steve,” Steve said. “I trust his judgment.”

“Sure,” Bruce agreed.

“Unless he tells you to stop because I’m in pain,” Steve said. “Just keep going unless I tell you to stop or your medical opinion forces you to.”

“Are you sure?” Bruce asked.

“I want this done in one go,” Steve said. “I don’t want to have to come back.”

“That’s the beauty of this new arm,” Tony said. “Whenever I need to update it or perform maintenance, I can just detach it and work on it by itself. No need for you to be there if you don’t want. The sensory aspect is going to have one port so it’s basically like a plug.”

“Okay,” Bucky said quietly. Steve and Bucky sat there, their hands clasped tight between them and both trying to comfort the other one.

“Are you ready?” Tony asked a few moments later.

“Yes.” Steve closed his eyes and felt Bucky shift closer. Bucky’s hands around his tightened.

“I’m going to inject the area,” Bruce said quietly. “You’ll feel a little pinch.”

Compared to what Steve had gone through with the serum, it barely felt like a mosquito bite.

One of Bucky’s hands came to wipe at Steve’s forehead, brushing the long hair away and keeping his hand gently massaging Steve’s head. It felt nice while Steve was waiting for the anesthetic to kick in.

“Are you feeling anything?” Bruce’s soft voice asked.

Steve hummed. “Maybe a little bit of pressure? Nothing for sure though.”

“All right. Here we go,” Tony said. “First we’re going to take off the arm.”

Steve heard the grindings and whirring of machines and clenched his eyes shut tighter. He really didn’t feel anything until the arm was off.

“The arm is off,” Tony announced. “We’re going to take off all the hardware on your actual arm and clean and check the area for infections or other devices.”

“Why?” Bucky asked.

“We’re going to then replace all the stationary parts with the more lightweight vibranium,” Tony said. “Should help a little bit more with the spine and balance issues.”

Steve let out a little grunt as he felt them pulling at his shoulder.

“Stevie?” Bucky whispered. His mouth was practically against Steve’s ear, though Steve had no doubt his eyes were shifting back and forth between Steve’s face and whatever it was Tony was doing.

“’M fine,” Steve said back. “Wasn’t ready.”

It wasn’t entirely a lie, but he didn’t need to worry them. He could handle a little bit of pain and discomfort.

“This one’s going to be a little tricky,” Tony said. “We have to cut open your collar area to get at the anchor. But we’re going to go in, take it off and replace it right away.”

“What if his body rejects it?” Bucky asked suddenly.

“We’ll worry about that if it comes to it,” Bruce said. “We don’t want to risk having to make the incision again if his body starts to heal too quickly.”

“Still with us, Bucko?” Tony asked.

“Yes.” Steve gritted his teeth as he felt the sharp slice of the knife right along his chest bone. It was called something else. Oh, the collarbone. It probably had a more scientific name than that. _Why am I worrying about the term of the bone?_

Bucky sensed something was up. “What is it? Are you feeling it?”

Steve nodded. “Only a little. Just surprised me, is all.”

He had always been a terrible liar, but without his awkwardness and blushing to give him away, Bucky must have bought it. He should feel bad about lying, but he couldn’t bring himself to. The longer he hid his pain, the less time Bucky would be frantically trying to get them to stop.

He could feel Tony and Bruce digging around and pulling. Lots of pressure. He heard a drill and tried not to think about it.

“We’re going to leave the brackets around the bone in place,” Tony said. “We can always change them out later if that’s something you need. But they are sturdy enough and have clearly been here long enough that the body is used to them.”

“Great,” Steve gritted out.

“Almost done with this part, James,” Bruce said.

“Hang on, Stevie,” Bucky said softly, his face nearly mashed up against Steve’s. He thought he felt his lips mumbling into his temple, but Steve couldn’t be sure.

Another drill going and then Tony’s proud exclamation, “There!”

“Done?” Bucky asked.

“Only with phase one,” Tony said. “But that was always going to be the worst phase. All the new parts inside the body are in and connected. Phase two is connecting the arm itself and rewiring the circuits.”

“Is that it?” Steve asked, feeling sweat beginning to form on the back of his neck.

“Well, phase three is going to be testing and tweaking. And Phase four is a follow-up in a few days,” Tony said.

Steve just nodded and Bucky’s hand was running along his cheek, in his hair, down to his shoulder. It was like he was trying to find some way to make sure Steve wasn’t hurt or injured. It was actually rather sweet.

Bucky had always been overly concerned when Steve had been injured or sick. Steve used to hate it, feeling like Bucky thought him weak. But now Steve can see that it was just Bucky’s way of trying to calm himself down. If he could reassure himself that Steve was alive and okay, then he could begin to stop worrying.

“All right, big guy,” Tony said. “Here we go.”

Steve could feel them pressing something into his shoulder and then a large click.

“It’s on,” Tony said. ‘Now we’re going to connect the new port to the nervous system.”

Steve nodded.

The arm must be open or something because it only took a few seconds before Steve nearly screamed.

“Stop!” Bucky cried.

“What is it?” Bruce asked.

“Did you feel that?” Tony questioned.

“Yes,” Steve whispered. “Felt like I was getting electrocuted.”

“That’s basically what I’m doing,” Tony said quietly. “I have to fuse your nervous system fibers to the sensory wires in the arm itself.”

“Keep going,” Steve said.

“You don’t have to,” Bucky said quietly. “I know how much that hurts.”

“It’s nothing.” Steve cracked open his eyes to see Bucky’s face—technically Steve’s face—hovering just overhead. “Stop worrying. You’re going to give me wrinkles.”

Bucky cracked a small smile and pulled Steve’s hand up to his face. Bucky held it against his check while he tried to slow his breathing. Steve moved his thumb back and forth trying to reassure Bucky that this was okay.

Another shock. Steve winced and Bucky dropped his hand to the bed, though never untangling their fingers.

Shock. Shock. Fire. Entire body combusting.

“Ah,” Steve grunted. He hadn’t wanted to say anything, but that last one was very intense and the sound was involuntary.

“Sorry,” Tony said. “We’re halfway.”

“Only halfway?” Steve asked. “I’m starting to think you’re enjoying this.”

“You know me,” Tony said. Another bright flash and burst of fire.

Steve turned his head back towards Bucky, though his eyes remained closed.

“I’m right here,” Bucky whispered.

“You ever think you’d have to do this again?” Steve said so softly that only Bucky would be able to hear.

“Do what?”

“Watch me lying in a bed and worrying about how long it was going to take me to get better?” Steve said.

“Not since you took me from that table in Azzano,” Bucky said just as quietly. “Figured you’d never need me again.”

Steve opened his eyes. “I’ll always need you, Buck.”

“Me too, punk,” Bucky said and pressed his forehead to Steve’s.

Steve focused on trying to match Bucky’s breathing during another few shocks. It was eerie how similar this action was. If it weren’t for the machines, he could almost imagine them back in the 30s with Bucky sitting beside him, forcing him to follow his breathing pattern.

It was oddly relaxing. Steve spared half a thought as to what Sam would say in that situation.

“All done,” Tony announced. “Can you move your arm?”

Steve nodded and started moving it around.

“How does that feel?”

Steve paused. “Weird.”

“Good weird like it’s so much lighter and easier to move. Or bad weird like you feel like it’s going to fall off?” Tony asked.

“Good weird,” Steve decided. “Much lighter. Doesn’t hurt as much.”

“Told you it wouldn’t,” Tony said. “Open your eyes and try to grab my hand.”

“If you wanted to hold my hand, Tony, all you had to do was ask,” but Steve obliged him.

“Hey, not if I want you to sick your hot and crazy-possessive boyfriend on me.” Tony smiled.

“He’s not possessive. He’s protective,” Steve argued and finally was able to capture Tony’s hand. He’d been moving it around trying to test Steve’s range of motion.

“Holy shit.” Steve dropped Tony’s hand.

“Felt that?”

Steve nodded.

“Too intense?” Tony asked.

“I-I don’t know,” Steve said after a minute.

Tony gesture to Bucky. “Give it go, Cap.”

Bucky shifted around and hesitantly reached out one hand to Steve’s new metal one. He barely put any pressure on it and Steve _felt_ it.

“You’re hands are warm,” Steve said.

Bucky swallowed. “Must be the serum. Keeps me running hot.”

“Not something I ever wanted to know, Gramps,” Tony muttered but neither of them paid him any mind.

“You can really feel that? I’m barely touching you,” Bucky said.

“I know. But I can feel it as if you’re grabbing this hand,” Steve said.

“The sensitivity might take some getting used to,” Tony said. “So feel free to drop by at any time if you’re having problems with it. Even if it’s been three months, two days, a year, whatever. Fairly easily fixable.

“The thing you’re going to have to work on is relocating your center of balance,” Tony said. “Your body’s been overcompensating for the heavy arm for decades. It’s going to take you some time to feel like you’re not walking with a lean. Or to actually stop walking with a lean.”

He glanced between the two of them. “Though I’m sure you could probably convince good old Star –Spangles here to be your crutch if you want to go out. It’s a little less obvious if you’re leaning against someone.”

“Ready to get up?” Tony asked.

“Slowly, now,” Bruce said.

Steve took his time, six different hands hovering over him as he slowly sat up. He immediately felt the difference in the weight of the arm. “Woah.”

“Take your time,” Bruce reminded him.

Steve eased himself off the bed and nearly fell into Bucky. Bucky caught him and Steve just smiled at him.

“It’s crazy how light this thing is. I barely feel it.” Steve turned to Tony and Bruce. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank us yet,” Tony said. “You’re on strict orders for reduced duty until I clear you, Bruce clears you, Dr. Cho, and whoever else they deem necessary to sign off on you before you rejoin us in the field. We’d hate to have one of our snipers fall out of his nest.”

Steve laughed. “You got it.”

“Can we go now?” Bucky asked, clearly strained at remaining in this room for much longer.

“Yeah, sure. Just go easy on him. It’s going to be an interesting couple of days.” Tony winked as they left this room.

* * *

Bucky had been restless since Stark had fixed Steve’s arm— _his_ arm two days ago. He’d barely left Steve’s side and tried to refuse visitors.

Steve had laughed and told him that seeing people wouldn’t hurt him.

It was just seeing Steve like that reminded Bucky of all the times he’d sat up with him, praying to a God he wasn’t sure he believed in to let Steve pull through this one. He knew it was different now, but that didn’t make it any easier to swallow for Bucky. It didn’t make the sense of urgency or his fears disappear.  

The only thing that did was being able to literally wrap himself around Steve and feel his heart beating.

Steve, for the most part, was fine. He said it was still strange to feel so much with his left arm now. Bucky was mindlessly scratching it with his finger last night during their Netflix catch-up session and Steve had to push his hand away. He’d said it was starting to tickle.

The only real thing was how off-balance Steve seemed to be. He’d stand up and lurch to the side and need to steady himself against something. Normally that was Bucky since he was rarely far away from Steve. And when he walked, he did so with a strange shuffle slide as if he wasn’t entirely sure his feet were going to remain under him and holding up his weight.

Overall, they were both doing all right.

That came to a head when the Avengers had been called in to help with a situation out in California with a group out there. Bucky had gone to their little closet where their uniforms hung—someone must put them back after every event. He reached for his Soldier uniform and paused.

Bucky had turned to Steve, panic in his eyes. Steve wouldn’t be able to go. It would be his first mission without Steve.

And worse, he wouldn’t even be able to be himself. He’d have to be Steve.

“It’s going to be all right, Bucky,” Steve said, leaning against the wall near him. “You’re going to be fine.”

“But. You,” Bucky said. “They’re going to expect you.”

“You know me better than anyone. You could pretend to be me in your sleep.”

“I can’t. I can’t go,” Bucky said. “You need me here. I’m not leaving you.”

“See? You sound like me already,” Steve said with a small smile.

Bucky shook his head. “I can’t. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t led people in a long time.”

“It’s just like the war, Buck,” Steve told him. “Half our plans and attacks were planned out by you. You can do this.”

“What if I fail?” Bucky asked quietly.

“You won’t.”

Bucky was not reassured by that. It was easy for Steve to say because his plans always worked.

“Stick close to Thor,” Steve suggested. “He’ll be your support and back-up.”

Bucky looked down. Steve passed him the shield.

“Just trust your instincts and you’ll be fine,” Steve told him quietly. “I’m just a phone call away if you need some encouragement.”

“What about the comms? Can’t you be in on them?” Bucky asked desperately. He’d need Steve’s voice in his head to keep himself stable.

“Just ask Tony to rig up a private line for you and me,” Steve had said quietly. “And use it when you need to.”

“He’d do that?”

Steve laughed. “He’s probably already got one ready to go. He knows that it’s going to be the first thing I ask him since I’m technically the one leaving you behind.”

Bucky nodded and swallowed.

“Suit up,” Steve said. “You gotta get your ass in gear.”

* * *

Bucky was exhausted. It had been a long couple hours. But Steve had been right. He had been able to do it.

He’d shown up at the helipad and Tony’d passed him a comm and smiled. “It’s wired directly to Bucky’s room. You can talk to him at any time. Privately.”

“And you guys won’t hear?” Bucky asked, putting it in his ear.

Tony shook his head. “We won’t be able to hear what he says, but we’ll be able to hear what you say. Your comm is going to be split in two. All you have to say is ‘Bucky’ and it’ll connect you to him.”

“Okay.”

“JARVIS will know when you’re done and disconnect you. That way Bucky’s not just sitting in a room listening to us.”

‘Thanks,” Bucky said.

“Just try to keep the declarations of love to a minimum,” Tony said.

“We’re not like that.”

“Whatever you say.” Tony winked.

Bucky had immediately tried it out. “Bucky?”

“Miss me already?” Steve laughed.

“Just testing it out.”

“I figured as much. Just breathe and focus. You can do this,” Steve told him.

“How can you be so sure?” Bucky asked quietly.

“Because there’s no one I’d want to be Captain America more than you. Though Sam might try and fight you for it,” Steve said.

“What would you say to that?” Bucky asked, feeling some tension fall away.

“Let the best man win,” Steve said. “You’d both make excellent Caps when I decide to hang up my shield. I’d let you two decide.”

“If you go, I go,” Bucky said without hesitation.

“We’ll see,” Steve said. “Now try to calm down and focus. I’ll be right here if you need me.”

“What are you doing?” Bucky asked, climbing into the helicopter. Or whatever special name Tony had given them. Probably a Starkticopter or something equally ridiculous.

“Watching _The Office_ ,” Steve said. “I’m trying to catch up to where you left off.”

“Okay.” Bucky looked around. “I better go. Time for the briefing.”

“Good luck.” Steve’s voice was pulled away from his ear and Bucky immediately had felt the loss. But he hadn’t had time to dwell on it.

Tony was pulling up the specs and information on what they were flying into. Clint pulled the copter into the air, throwing out his thoughts and opinions whenever he felt like they were needed.

It was fairly straightforward. The younger group of superheroes and super-humans in California had gone against the wrong person. They’d had a connection with someone much bigger and more bad-ass who’d apparently sent an entire army of killer bees after them. Ironic since one of the heroes was named _Wasp_.

Basically, they were just going to drop in for backup. Bucky had made the plan of keeping to pairs, which would make it easy to watch the other person’s back. Clint would be with Natasha while he would fight with Thor. Tony would provide air support while Bruce maintained eyes on everything from the helicopter.

It had lasted a long time, but they’d done it. Apparently, water was the way to kill them. It was very _Wicked Witch of the West_ but Bucky had been too exhausted to worry that much about it.

He just wanted to get back home, back to Steve.

It felt like it took three more hours just to get from the helicopter back to their floor. He’d pulled off Steve’s suit and immediately went to shower, standing under the spray and just trying to wash away the exhaustion and adrenaline.

Eventually the water started to make him feel waterlogged so he turned it off and got out.

He made his way into the living room where Steve was sitting up and still watching _The Office_.

“How’re you doing?” Steve asked. He reached his right arm along the back of the couch and Bucky nearly cried as he burrowed into him. He was shaking and trembling, but too exhausted to do anything about it but hold on.

“Not good,” he settled on.

“I know. The adrenaline crash is awful,” Steve said. He rubbed Bucky’s back and pulled him closer. “You just have to let it wane a bit.”

“I didn’t know this happened to you,” Bucky said.

Steve shrugged. “It’s just a side effect to the serum I think. It’s like my body’s been making so much adrenaline, an overabundance really, and it takes a while for it to leave my system. I don’t really have an expert on the serum to ask, but that’s what I think happens.”

“Sometimes that happens to me after too,” Bucky said quietly. “But there’s always a hundred other things that are causing it too.”

“I’m sorry,” Steve said. “But you’ve been getting better at it. And you handled yourself brilliantly today.”

Bucky nodded.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Steve asked.

Bucky shook his head. “No.”

“All right. Let’s just watch some TV then,” Steve said.

“Sounds good.”

* * *

Bucky felt nervous. Tonight was the final night of the lunar cycle—the night that would match the night they switched exactly.

It _had_ to be tonight. Loki had, apparently, been rather forthcoming and said that magic can’t be this strong unless it has limits.

 _All magic comes with a price_ , Steve had whispered to him and Bucky had nearly choked. It was an overused line in one of the shows they had been watching recently.

So tonight, it was going to happen. He was going to fall asleep as Steve Rogers and wake up again as Bucky Barnes.

If only that was the only problem.

Bucky had recently discovered that he’d wanted _more_ from Steve. More _with_ Steve. Even though no one would believe him, Bucky honestly hadn’t really thought about it before.

Steve had just been there, he was almost as much a part of him as his own fucking arm. Probably not the best example since one of his arms was basically a robot, but the gist remains.

Bucky loved Steve. He always had and always would. He hadn’t even thought that there might be a time where Steve just wouldn’t be around anymore. Bucky didn’t know if he’d have been able to handle what Steve had gone through:  waking up over seventy years in the future with everyone you’ve known and loved long dead and gone except for one who barely remembered you. Then on top of that, you’re expected to just pick up where you left off without getting any time to adjust and grieve.

Bucky’d had that in spades. He’d been given more time than he knew what to do with. But he could understand why Steve had been so adamant about it.

Of course, Steve would say that Bucky had it worse, but he’s on the other side now. And he’s had Steve the entire time. It wasn’t like he was thrown to the wolves.

It wasn’t until his talk with Natasha the other week that he was able to sort of pin down something that had been floating around his brain, his soul for a while. Maybe even since the day they met. He was _in_ _love_ with Steve. In love as in buy a little house somewhere, settle in, and generally grow old together.

Bucky was finding it difficult to voice this because they basically already had that. They lived in a brownstone in Brooklyn, a place that he was very nearly crawling out of his skin with desperation to get back to. It was nice being around everyone and it was much easier to do all this with accommodations from Tony, but he just wanted to be _home_.

So they lived together, they shared a rom. They slept together every night. They were very affectionate, always hugging, holding hands, and even little kisses on the forehead or cheek. Honestly, Bucky couldn’t even picture the future without Steve.

So really, the biggest different would be sex. Sex with Steve. And the romantic aspect like dates and other relationship-type things. Like sharing money and buying groceries together? Did that count? Bucky had no idea because it wasn’t something he’d ever done before.

But it still felt too soon to try anything with Steve. He wanted to wait until he’d been able to have a few good _months_ and not a few good days or a week. He wanted to feel like a fully functioning person instead of one barely holding it together. Steve deserved better than someone broken.

Steve would never see him that way, but it was something that Bucky wanted.

But the biggest thing that was causing Bucky hang-ups was the thought—the fear—that Steve wouldn’t— _didn’t_ feel the same way. That he wouldn’t want Bucky in that way.

Honestly, who would? He was broken. He was barely human. He had so much blood on his hands it would be impossible to wash off.

Not to mention his body was practically mangled beyond repair.

It had freaked him out when this had first happened, the thought and fear that Steve was going to see everything that Bucky had been desperately trying to hide. But Steve hadn’t made any comments about it. He probably sensed that Bucky hadn’t wanted to talk about it.

It’s why it surprised him when Steve opened the door in just a pair of boxers.

“What’re you doing?” Bucky asked. They always slept with some sort of clothes on. Call it habits from days gone by or comfort.

“I wanted to show you something,” Steve said softly. “Before we switch back.”

“What,” Bucky swallowed. “What’re you gonna show me?”

Steve smiled. “I want you to see yourself, through my eyes.”

Bucky let out a sigh-laugh. Lines like that should sound cheesy, forced. But with Steve, they were never anything but honest truth.

Bucky sat up in bed, pulling the sleeves of his shirt over his fingers.

Steve walked over to stand in front of him. “What do you see?”

Bucky turned to him and swallowed nervously.  

"What's the first thing you notice?" Steve asked him quietly. 

Bucky's eyes went right to his mangled shoulder. 

Steve reached out a hand to grab hold Bucky's. He gently moved their hands up to his face. Steve rested his chin in their joined hands, leaning into it. "Your eyes are the first thing I always see. They're so expressive. It's almost like I can see your thoughts." 

Steve laughed quietly. "But I think that's only because I know you so well.”

Steve held his gaze, a fond look in his eyes. “You had to relearn how to feel and express things, Buck. You had to relearn so much and you never gave up. That's so fucking amazing and you don't seem to know it." 

"Y-Yeah?" Bucky felt his hand start to shake. This was unfamiliar territory for them. 

Steve nodded. 

"Want to know what I love the most about your body?" Steve asked gently. 

Bucky closed his eyes. "None of it." 

"Buck," Steve said quietly. 

"No. I look like Frankenstein's fucking monster," Bucky said. "Sewn back together like no one cares. Every fucking scar is a reminder of what they did to me and I can't fucking get rid of them." 

Steve's hands were gentle on his face, in his hair. He let Bucky just breathe for a few minutes, keeping his eyes closed. 

"You know what I see when I see them?" Steve asked. 

"Sometime a million times better than you should," Bucky muttered. 

"Your strength," Steve said as though Bucky hadn't spoken. "They did horrible things to you, but you were able to come out on the other side. You were resilient and you fought them every step of the way. 

"I  _hate_  what they did to you. I  _hate_  that you had to suffer so much for so long. Alone." Steve swallowed. "But they are a testament to your strength and courage. You got out of there. You survived them. And now you're  _living_."

Steve let his hands fall. "What better revenge is that?" 

Bucky let out a strangled sob and blindly reached out for Steve. He pressed his face against his chest, his arms going around Steve's waist. Steve held him close, one hand going into his hair. Bucky could only hold on as he fought against the tidal wave of emotions he was currently trying to sort through. 

Bucky couldn't believe that Steve wasn't disgusted by him. He was actually there, trying to campaign for Bucky to be okay and to see himself the way that Steve saw him. 

"It's all right, Bucky," Steve said softly into his hair. "You can let go. I've got you." 

It was like Bucky had been waiting for that because the tears were already falling before Steve finished that sentence. He just held onto Steve and let it happen. 

Steve stood there, holding him, and whispering words of whatever comfort he could. He didn't make any movements to let go or shift their positions. 

After a few a while, Bucky calmed down enough to only sniffle occasionally. His eyes were puffy and ached but he weirdly felt better than he had in a long time. 

Steve held him a few seconds longer before slowly pulling back. He let his hands fall from Bucky’s face. "You okay?”

"I don't know," Bucky admitted. "I feel exhausted, but a good tired."

"You might have needed that release more than you knew," Steve said quietly. 

"You really see me that way? You're not...put off by the scars and arm?" Bucky asked. 

"Why would I be put off? They're apart of you. I love everything about you," Steve said quietly.

"You wouldn't change it, if you could?" Bucky asked. 

"Would you?" 

Bucky frowned. "I...I don't know." 

"Well, I wouldn't," Steve said. "I love you exactly the way you are. But that's something you'd have to decide for yourself. It's your body. My being comfortable with it doesn't somehow cancel out your potential discomfort.

"I was just hoping that if I could show you that I like  _you,_ you might be able to start feeling that way too," Steve finished softly. 

"You just like being the most attractive one for a change," Bucky said with a smirk. 

"Please," Steve said. "Like I ever wasn't next to your ugly mug." 

Bucky laughed and it nearly startled him. Steve just smiled fondly and went to turn off their bedroom light and pull on a shirt. He slid into bed next to Bucky, the weird blue tint of the TV casting eerie shadows. 

"You love me, huh?" Bucky asked. 

"Did you ever think I didn't?" Steve shot back. 

"I just. I guess I never thought about it like  _that._ " Bucky swallowed. "It is like that, right?" 

Steve nodded. "It is for me." 

Bucky swallowed again and looked around. "Me. Me too." 

Steve smiled and reached out to him, pulling him close. 

"Tomorrow, when we change back, I want to kiss you," Bucky told him. 

"Then I guess I'll anxiously be waiting for tomorrow," Steve said. Bucky could hear the smug grin. 

He wanted to be irritated, but couldn't. Steve loved him and was here. He was currently holding Bucky protectively in his arms and Bucky really couldn’t' think of anything that he wanted more than this. 

Well a kiss. Or seven. Or a few hours just making out. But that would have to wait until the morning.

* * *

Bucky woke up and tried not to feel annoyed that he didn’t feel any different really than last night.

That only lasted until he opened his eyes and saw Steve’s face inches from his own.

Bucky felt his face break into a grin and couldn’t hide his excitement as he reached up his right hand to trace along Steve’s cheek. It’d been so long since he’d seen _Steve._ He hadn’t even realized how much he had missed him.

“It work?” Steve asked, his voice partially muffled.

“Open your eyes and find out.”

Steve cracked an eye open and then grinned. He reached for Bucky, pulling him in and tucking Bucky’s head under his chin. “God, I missed seeing you.”

“Me too,” Bucky said, his fingers tight in Steve’s t-shirt.

Steve sat up suddenly, pulling away. “How’s your arm? Does it hurt you? Do you hate how it feels?”

Bucky had to actively look down at it to realize that it was actually attached. “It doesn’t hurt.”

Steve’s grin was blinding. “That’s fantastic, Buck. That’s all I wanted. You shouldn’t have had to deal with that for so long.”

“Does it…” Bucky swallowed. “Can I.”

Steve seemed to know what he was trying to say because he reached out and carefully let his hand slide down Bucky’s metal arm to interlock their fingers together. Bucky nearly shuddered because he _felt_ that. He could feel the sensation, not just pressure. He could feel the fucking warmth from Steve’s fingers.

“Holy shit,” Bucky said.

“I know,” Steve said. “It might take a little getting used to it.”

Bucky nodded and looked back down at his arm.

“What a crazy few weeks,” Bucky said quietly.

“I know,” Steve said. “Feels surreal to already be back to normal.”

“Normal,” Bucky said. “It’s better than normal.”

Steve smiled at him. “Yeah. It is.”

“Can we…Can we go home?” Bucky asked quietly.

Steve nodded. “Home sounds perfect.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. Only Steve could get away with saying something that sounded like it came directly out of a romance novel and be completely genuine.  

Steve stopped him from getting up with a nervous hand on his arm. “I believe I was promised something else.”

Bucky looked at him. “Now?”

“You think you can weasel out of it?” Steve said, even though they both knew that he’d never force Bucky to do anything.

“I think I’d want to brush my teeth first,” Bucky complained half-heartedly.

“What if you change your mind before you’re done?” Steve asked quietly.

“That’s a risk you might have to take,” Bucky said, but he was leaning in toward Steve.

Steve hovered, his nerves visible on his face and the way his hands were folded in his lap.

Bucky reached out a hand and wished it wasn’t trembling. He cupped Steve’s chin and tilted his head. They met halfway.

It was quick, chaste, and over before it really began but it felt _right._ Like that had been what they had been waiting for. They smiled at each other before Bucky pulled away to go walk to the bathroom.

He turned back to catch a glimpse of Steve smiling after him, a promise written in both their eyes:  _Home._

**Author's Note:**

> Remember when I posted my other fics for this round of trope bingo and I said that I wanted to keep them small and manageable and really focus on my short but complete story? Yeah, me neither. This monster is the product of needing to explain too much in order for one specific scene to make sense. Seriously. I had one scene in mind when I wrote this and the rest of it just happened by chance. 
> 
> Come say Hi on [tumblr!](http://saras-almanac.tumblr.com/)


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